Adjusting to Change

I am happy to report that Alex has been home for almost a week and while we had a rough start, things seem to be settling down. We did have to switch formulas to one for gas since it was taking us 20-30 mins just to get a burp out of her. We also had a little trouble with the whole temperature thing. They keep the NICU at 74-75 and had her in a sleeper and blanket. We keep our house at 70 and had to add a sleep sack and hat to her attire.

She had her first pediatrician appointment and gained 5 oz in the 5 days she was home and looks great otherwise.

Jonathan for the most part has been a big help and a good big brother. 

He was a little unsure of what to make of her in the beginning, but seems to be adjusting very well. He has his moments, and needs to be reminded daily that she is fragile. He has taken ownership for the monitors and tells us when he hears baby, and for her diapers. He seems to get upset if we dispose of her dirty diapers instead of giving them to him; if he isn’t right there, he insists on being summoned for diaper duty. He also likes participating in bath time. He gets to wash her feet and toes and her belly.

The days that Chris works are rougher than the ones where he is home as he can help wrangle Jonathan in when he misbehaves or needs attention that I am unable to give him at that moment.

I stand by my original philosophy which is that the children should not out number the parents. At least that holds true for these parents-I couldn’t imagine having more than these two.

Waterworks

I cry

A Lot

Happy tears, sad tears, tears of frustration, tears of disappointment, tears of guilt…..it doesn’t matter.

I am not ashamed, but I do prefer to do it in private.

I am sure this is normal postpartum wishy-washiness (and my Dr. assures me it is), but it doesn’t make it any easier when I am not a crier to begin with.

It also doesn’t help when people look at you like you’ve lost your marbles. When they do I want to yell at them “Hey-you know what? I just had a baby whose current address is still at the hospital, I hurt from doing too much walking and other activity after a C-section, and I have a husband and son at home that I think about when I am at the hospital and I think of my daughter when I am at home. So back off!” But, I don’t of course.

I think that maybe the situation makes it worse, but to be honest, since Jonathan was a NICU baby too, I don’t know what normal is in terms of a post pregnancy. I don’t know what it feels like to hold your baby right away. I don’t know what it feels like to bring your baby home with you. I don’t know if the huge influx of daily emotions I feel is normal.

I figure that since crying is the main side effect and not something weird or twisted, that I am doing OK for now. I am pretty sure that when Alex comes home that things will start to get back to a shade of what passes for normal at our home.

I know most people don't talk about this, but as this is my current reality, I guess that makes it fair fodder for a blogger;)

Jonathan's Little Allie

I know that I have been absent for a while, and for that there is really nothing I can say.

We just had a new addition to our family. Alexandra Evelyn was born on 1/31/13 @ 1am. She was 36 weeks and 2 days, 8lbs and 20" long.

On Sunday, 1/27, shortly after midnight, I started having contractions every 4 minutes along with some bleeding. We went to the hospital and they were able to slow down my contractions and the bleeding stopped unless someone checked me to see if I had dilated any further. They switched me to a different blood thinner that dissipated more quickly, and then on Tuesday evening I was sent home. At about midnight that night I started having harder contractions that were about every 8-10 minutes until about 7am, then they were about every 5-7 minutes apart. I called the Doctor at 8pm on Wednesday and she said she would see me first thing Thursday morning and called in a prescription for pain medication to see me through the night. Chris went to pick up the medicine at about 9pm and I called my mom while I was trying to rest in bed. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I thought I was about to have a contraction and my water broke.

We got to the ER about 40 minutes after my water broke, and by the time they wheeled me up to Labor & Delivery I was having contractions one on top of another. I had to wait for a blood test to come back before they could do the C-section, and after all that I only dilated from the 3 I was at on Tuesday when I checked out to a 4. I couldn’t get an epidural since we had to wait to see if I could get a spinal, so I had nothing for the pain while I waited. Needless to say I was speaking trucker for the next hour or so while I tried to realize I wasn’t dying. If my blood was too thin, they couldn’t have done a spinal and would have had to put me under general anesthesia which would have also meant Chris couldn’t have been present.

They wheeled me into the operating room where I caused my IV to bubble up while moving to the operating table. They had to take that one out and proceeded to try another 5 times to get another one in. I am a very hard stick and have crappy little veins. After about 15 mins of that, they were able to do my spinal and get me on the table. It seemed like no time at all and they were pulling Alex out and starting on the tubal to make sure she is our last. According to all of my Drs it isn’t a good idea for me to do this again, and frankly I don’t have any desire to either.

First picture

Because I am allergic to Morphine and similar drugs, they weren’t able to put anything into my spinal for the pain, so by the time they had my room all ready, I was ready for something to take the edge off. It took almost 2 hrs in recovery until they were able to get me moved and something into a button pusher for me. While in recovery, they discovered that Alex had low blood sugar and needed to be taken to the NICU.

They said that while I didn’t have gestational diabetes, it looked as if she was starting to develop it which is why she was so large and so puffy when she was born. It could have also contributed to all the additional fluid in the placenta. That combined with her size is what put all the pressure on my cervix and caused the early labor.

About 2 hours after I was put in my room, I started itching and having an allergic reaction to the other drug they gave me for pain, so at that point I was out of options except for Motrin and Percocet. I was given doses of those every 4 hours, and after then 1^st day dropped the Motrin because of the interaction with the Warfarin I started to take again to prevent blood clots. While most women were just then having their Morphine wear off, I was down to 1 medicine that helped, but not nearly enough. To top it all off, it was so dry there, that I sounded like a 50 year smoker. My voice was raspy and my throat so dry I had to drink a TON of fluid to keep from coughing since it hurt so badly. It took 9 days after coming home for it to get back to normal.

I was in the hospital until Sunday evening, and when I checked out, Alex was still there. First they said they were keeping her until her blood sugar went up. Then she got jaundice 

Under the UV light

With feeding tube

and they said they were keeping her for that. After that, she wasn’t eating enough and kept losing weight, so they were keeping her for that. Now she started to gain back some weight, but isn’t eating enough. She is only eating an ounce by herself. 

I am hoping that we can move to an ad lib eating schedule in the next couple of days and that she will step it up so she can come home.

If you have never had a child in the NICU it is hard to explain how it feels. I go into her empty room every day and my heart breaks. I feel like I am some how defective since both my children came early and had to stay in the NICU. I feel almost lost in a sense.

As a mom, you have a connection to your child that is hard to explain when they are first born. You carried them for X number of months. You felt their first movement. You ate and drank and did everything for them. They were literally a part of you. In theory, when you give birth, you take that child home and the connection grows stronger. When you have to leave them behind, you loose that. You leave that part of yourself behind. You feel almost bereft. At least I do. 

 

And now that we have Jonathan too, I feel as if I am choosing to leave one of them to see the other.

This pregnancy wasn’t supposed to be this way. She was supposed to come home with us. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do and more. We NEED her to come home to us. My head knows it could be much worse and that we are lucky. My heart doesn't seem to care and just feels like it is missing an integral piece.