Things that could only happen to me....

I am pretty sure if there is a dumb mommy of the year award that I would at the very least qualify for a nomination. 

Taken about 3 weeks ago-before the cranky set in.

 

My mom came to visit for Easter and she stayed all last week. Whenever she comes we take a trip to Meijer as it is something she misses living in Georgia. Since last week was pay week, that also meant grocery week and a trip to Meijer.

On Wednesday morning, we all got up and ready for our shopping trip. Jonathan was a bit cranky, but I figured he would be better once we got moving. We ate at a restaurant right up the road that does Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes first (and yes the 1^st time we went there I did think I was special and that no way did everyone get the cool pancakes).

We started out and Jonathan was fussy. We switched him to my cart (we each had our own) since he kept reaching for me and I gave him my car keys. This lasted all of about 10 seconds. I ended up with Jonathan sitting on the shopping cart handle while I pushed and looked at my list over his shoulder.

His cranky factor ratcheted up a notch and I gave him the pen I was using since he was throwing a fit and Mom and I discussed leaving and then I would come back when he was napping to finish up. I sat him in the actual cart seat so I could get something that took both hands and when I turned back to the cart he was reaching towards me. Before I knew it, his hand with the pen in it was scraping across my face, and into my nose so far and hard I heard a pop. I pulled the pen and his hand away from my face trying to minimize the damage.

The evil culprit!

 

Within 1/10 of a second I felt the gushing start. If you are weak stomached skip to the last paragraph. I started bleeding like he had broken my nose. I pressed my nostrils together and my eyes were watering so hard I couldn’t see. My mom asked what happened and after yelling I needed paper towels (luckily I was already purchasing some) I told her while she ripped the plastic from the rolls in the cart and handed me a wad. She told me to tip my head back and I choked. I went through the first wad like it was tissue paper and got a second one.

I kept waiting for it to clot or slow down and then remembered I take aspirin to thin my blood a little every day to try and dissuade the formation of more clots. So the one thing I needed was the one thing that I feared most any other day of the week. After Mom gave me the fourth wad of towels I decided that maybe we should just pay for what was in our carts and go home.

We came home and she brought most of the stuff in after we brought in Jonathan and I went straight to the bathroom. I coughed up mouthfuls of blood and kept pressure on it for several hours. I guzzled water and chewed gum to rid my mouth of the flavor. It did stop after about 3 hours so that it was just a drip down the back of my throat. Gross I know, but at least it wasn't you.....

The next morning the drip was still there so I called the Dr. She got me in right away and I found out that he had taken a chunk out of the flesh where my nostril cavity started in the skull. I had a little bit of a black eye and the right side of my face was swollen. I was given antibiotics and a tetanus shot (which is still red, swollen and fevered) and told not to blow my nose or take my aspirin until at least Monday and to come back in 2 weeks for a check up…….and if it didn’t stop by Fri am then I was going to have to get it cauterized-UGH! Thank goodness it stopped. I am almost back to normal, but my face still hurts and I feel like I have some serious sinus pressure going on.

Lesson learned-even pens can be weapons in the hands of a toddler.

Am I really reaping what I have sown?

I have always thought of myself as some one who is not intentionally unkind. Someone who is giving, funny and a good core person.

I am now left wondering if that is true. I have been reflecting back on things and think that is not how others see me.

I was in the hospital for 5 days for the birth of Jonathan. No one except my MIL & husband came to see me. I did not get 1 flower, nor any balloons or other well wishes.

I was in the hospital for 4 days with the pulmonary emboli I had. I was about 6 hrs from dying and again, no one came to see me except my MIL & husband. I did not get 1 balloon, any flowers or other well wishes.

I believe in getting back what you put out there, so if that is the way the universe works, then what is it trying to tell me?

To find out that people you love think of you in the context of a cruel joke is not exactly validating either. To know that while you lend them a shoulder, an ear, and whatever else they need, that they are paying you back by relegating you to the corner with the dunce cap on. The joke.

I think back to conversations and situations and try to look at it as if I am floating above it instead of a part of it, and I still don’t see where I went so horribly wrong. I try to do things better, be better, more likable, and still seem to inspire negative feelings.

Then I try to separate myself and distance my undesirable personage from those that apparently are offended by my near presence, and that is the wrong thing as well.

Then how to I fix things? How do I go forward knowing that this is the way it will be? How do I sit in a room with people that don’t think highly of me and pretend everything is OK?

This is my makeover year. What I call my evolution year. I have tackled my 3 greatest vices and am taking away the power they hold over me. I have quit smoking, been losing weight and have stopped biting my nails. All 3 have been hard, but I know I am stronger than they are. If this is the year I discover the best me I can be, then don’t I need to fix this too?

I just don’t know anymore. I guess I continue to be the best me I know and put on the happy face while I shrivel a little inside all the while. I guess I try to minimize my exposure and find people to love who will love me back-just as I am. Not who they think I should be.