Am I really reaping what I have sown?

I have always thought of myself as some one who is not intentionally unkind. Someone who is giving, funny and a good core person.

I am now left wondering if that is true. I have been reflecting back on things and think that is not how others see me.

I was in the hospital for 5 days for the birth of Jonathan. No one except my MIL & husband came to see me. I did not get 1 flower, nor any balloons or other well wishes.

I was in the hospital for 4 days with the pulmonary emboli I had. I was about 6 hrs from dying and again, no one came to see me except my MIL & husband. I did not get 1 balloon, any flowers or other well wishes.

I believe in getting back what you put out there, so if that is the way the universe works, then what is it trying to tell me?

To find out that people you love think of you in the context of a cruel joke is not exactly validating either. To know that while you lend them a shoulder, an ear, and whatever else they need, that they are paying you back by relegating you to the corner with the dunce cap on. The joke.

I think back to conversations and situations and try to look at it as if I am floating above it instead of a part of it, and I still don’t see where I went so horribly wrong. I try to do things better, be better, more likable, and still seem to inspire negative feelings.

Then I try to separate myself and distance my undesirable personage from those that apparently are offended by my near presence, and that is the wrong thing as well.

Then how to I fix things? How do I go forward knowing that this is the way it will be? How do I sit in a room with people that don’t think highly of me and pretend everything is OK?

This is my makeover year. What I call my evolution year. I have tackled my 3 greatest vices and am taking away the power they hold over me. I have quit smoking, been losing weight and have stopped biting my nails. All 3 have been hard, but I know I am stronger than they are. If this is the year I discover the best me I can be, then don’t I need to fix this too?

I just don’t know anymore. I guess I continue to be the best me I know and put on the happy face while I shrivel a little inside all the while. I guess I try to minimize my exposure and find people to love who will love me back-just as I am. Not who they think I should be.