Feelings-right or wrong, we can not control them, only the actions they provoke

I thought I knew what love was.

I mean, I love my family, I love my mom, I love my husband, I love my in-laws, and I love my friends, so I knew what to expect when I had Jonathan in regard to how I would feel about him right?

WRONG

The love you feel for your own child is completely different than any other you have ever felt. And much to my husband's denial, I think a Mother's love is more potent. The fact that you shared your body with that child for almost a year gives you a special connection that you will never have with another being.

My love for Jonathan is all-encompassing and at times overwhelming. It is so powerful that I can't imagine even a class 5 hurricane coming close to the strength of my feelings. It is hard to imagine even having these types of emotions for another child and if I did, it seems as if my heart would have to physically become larger to hold it all.

When I look at him I don't see his flaws - like the fact that his skull hasn't shaped roundly yet because of the preference he has for sleeping facing one direction. I only see the perfection of the little boy in my arms, that I could now not fathom my life without.

I think back to my pregnancy.

My disbelief that I was indeed pregnant until after going to the Dr. Thinking it was still a mistake until that first OB appt. when we saw our "little peanut" on the ultrasound.

The worry EVERY time time I went to my monthly OB visits, afraid that the heartbeat I so looked forward to hearing, would be gone. The cold sweat I broke into at one appt. when it took her a few minutes to locate that heartbeat.

The guilt I felt when we were told there was a pee pee in the ultrasound after being disappointed that we weren't' having a girl. I felt those twin emotions until he was delivered and then I couldn't imagine loving a little girl any more than I loved that little boy with all that curly hair.

The relief I felt when he come out 7 weeks early and cried right away. The sense of loss that I felt not being able to hold him in the delivery room, every mother's right, because I had too much anesthesia in my system and I couldn't feel anything from my neck down.

The helplessness I felt seeing my son in the NICU and not being able to "make it better". I mean, isn't that was a mother is supposed to do for their child? The "what could I have done better" questions every single time I walked down the hallway too and from Jonathan's room at Toledo Children's Hospital.

The guilt I felt for feeling lucky about the fact that we had nurses to help us with his care in the beginning when we knew nothing about babies and when I was healing from the surgery.Lucky should have been the last thing that I felt when my son was hooked up to monitoring wires and getting his food through a tube that went in through his nose, and down into his belly.

The relief , backhanded with shame, I felt one morning when I heard that a couple had lost their twins during the night and thanked a higher power that it wasn't Chris and I grieving the loss of our child.

The red hot seething anger I felt when I called one morning close to the end and was told that a nurse, who was too lazy to take a few extra minutes, put a feeding tube in Jonathan (who had been without one for 3 days). It was a good thing she wasn't there when I got to the hospital.

The choking fear I felt when we packed him up to bring him home. Would I be a good mother? Would I know what to do? Who would I have to ask questions to about things I didn't know or wasn't sure about? What if I screwed up?

I think I loved Jonathan from the moment the test results showed positive, even if I didn't know it. And I think that love is what evoked the feelings I had, right or wrong, when it came to him.

Finally, sleeping in the crib

When we first brought Jonathan home, he wouldn't sleep more than an hour or so in the crib. It was very frustrating, but we figured out within the first night that it was in large part due to the fact that it was so huge to him and for the 1st mos of his life he slept in a small plastic container that wasn't even large enough to roll over in. We immediately bought the Fisher Price Rock and  Play (even though we joked about Chris bringing home a lexan from work since it was almost the exact thing Jonathan had been sleeping in) and he started sleeping better the first time he was in it. We then purchased another so we could have one in his bedroom and one in the living room for his daytime naps because even though it was light and folded up for easy transport, carrying it and the baby up and down stairs was just too much of a PITA.

I love being snuggled in my Rock & Play

When we later found out that he had reflux, we remembered that in the hospital they often had him on an incline which helps with reflux. The Rock & Play has that as well so all was good.

Trying to get him to sleep in a crib has been a chore. We tried when he was about 3 mos old, putting a pillow at the base of his feet and some towels at the bottom of his legs to create the illusion of less space. That didn't work. Next a few weeks late, we kept the other stuff in and inclined the mattress some so that it wasn't totally flat. That didn't seem to work either. About a week or so ago we decided to give it another go since he is so squirmy and is growing out of the Rock & Play. It is technically good for up to 25lbs, but if he isn't already asleep he seems to turn all over the place and I am worried he is going to dump himself out of it.

Now in his crib he seems to like the space. Watching him in it is like watching a dog who goes outside and starts rolling around in the grass as if it were a large vat of pudding. He rolls this way and that, and moves around so much that I laugh when I go in to get him after his naps after seeing which weird position he ends up in.

A man's gotta have enough room in bed to roll around in.

Little Munchers

We have our first teeth!! Jonathan got his first tooth on 3/16 and then his second one right after it on 3/19!! I was so surprised as I expected them to come in a couple mos apart from each other. I don't have a pic of the teeth-have you ever tried to get a baby to open their mouth and let you see in there?? It isn't very easy and you run the risk of the sharp little shark teeth getting you!!LOL

YUMM-this foot is soooo delicious!!

It was funny-when we went to our 6 mos Dr appt, he said not to expect any teeth until he was about 8mos old since he is a preemie, so I didn't expect to get them mere days after the appt. I was surprised as all get out when he put my thumb in his mouth to chew on and I found a little muncher!! It is nice though since before they came in that kid generated enough drool to fill a pint glass!!LOL He was a little more fussy, but not too bad and I expected a LOT worse!! He chews on everything he can get his hands on-kinda reminds me of a puppy;) He still prefers to chew on anything material like his burp cloth (EWWW!), but has started to chew on some harder things too. His top teeth are coming down at a good pace, so I don't think it will be too long before we have more. He does think that teething rings are nothing but a joke-kinda looks at us like "you're kidding me right?" when we give him one or stick it in his mouth.

He has been getting a bath every night and has recently discovered the joy of peeing and watching mommy and daddy rush to get out of the way of his sprinkler action. He has also realized he has an additional body part and plays with his "little turtle" every time he gets a chance. I've been told he will grow out of it and I hope that is true-he just sees it as another body part to play with like his feet.

I suck

OMG-I can't believe it has been so long since I was last on. I knew I had been a bit behind, but not so far!! Well, I guess we can start with January. Lets see....I think the only major thing that happened was that he started eating solid food!!

I'm not sure I like this creamy white crap...(first time w/ cereal)

I am making my own baby food which is a little time consuming since I only do it like once a month, and I have not perfected the process on all foods yet, but I am glad he is eating things that don't have anything artificial on them. The first baby food maker I bought was a POS so I had to return it and then got the expensive Beaba from Ebay.

I think I am wearing as much as I ate;) (pic taken 3/23)

In February Jonathan learned how to grasp things and started holding his head up at a 90* angle from the ground. His eating got better and by then he had started on actual food instead of just cereal. He seems to like everything except the home made carrots and green beans. They are very hard to get non chuncky and I think the texture is what he doesn't like. Since processed green beans are bitter, I don't buy them, but I do get the carrots so he can have them. I don't want to delete something from his diet if he likes it just because I am not successful in making it so that he will eat it. We had to try 2X with both carrots and peas, but he liked everything else right off the bat with bananas and apples being his favorite food.

For his 5th mos pic, I just decided the one I took for Vday was close enough. The one I took on his actual Bday was not a good one.

YUMM!! My Valentines Bib tastes just like chocolate!!

In March he had his 6 mos Dr appt and everything is great. As of March 7th, he was 24" long, and 15lbs, 3oz. At the time of the appt. he was average for a 4 mos old and since that is his gestational age, then all is good. The chart they measure baby's progress on is adjusted for him being 7 weeks early.

In my opinion the cutest 6 mos pic I took:)

In March he also started sleeping though the night. At first it was only a couple of nights a week, but it has made it all the way to on average 6 days a week he sleeps through the night. There is still an odd night about once a week that he wakes up at 1am and let me tell you that both Chris and I hate that night. I am sure it is only a matter of time though until that fades away as well. About 1/2 way through the month he discovered how much more he could see while sitting up, so he has insisted on sitting up ever since. He still wobbles and falls over like in the pic (maybe he has a slightly enlarged right butt cheek or something), but he wants to get right back into sitting. I think it will be only a matter of time until he is an unsupported sitter. He decided shortly after our visit to the dr that he was going to start standing pretty much on his own. He locks his knees now and supports his own weight-we just have to hold him to help him balance.

Today is Jonathan's 7 mos Bday!!! April has already been a great month for him. He started passing things from hand to hand, and is VERY grabby now!! He wants everything even if he only holds it for a minute and then throws it away to reach for something else. He has been a little rolling machine and is trying like hell to crawl. He likes to roll so he ends up at a 90* angle from where I put him and his feet hit the buttons on the receiver for the TV-he changes the function to CD or radio and then laughs when I come in to fix it. He does what I call carpet swimming which is exactly as it sounds-looks like he is frog swimming on the carpet. When he tries to crawl he put his head and shoulders on the carpet and pushes with his legs so his face smashes across the carpet.

He is laughing and squealing a lot and both Chris and I LOVE the sound-it is the best in the world, even when I am getting up for his first bottle of the day and dead tired. He went to see the easter bunny yesterday and got his own set of ears, so I decided that would be his 7 mos. pic.

My Mommy says I am the cutest damn bunny in the whole world!! Psst-I think she's right;)