First swim class started as a loss......

We were gifted a family membership to the YMCA by our house. I am taking 3 classes - which all in all ends up being a class every day of the week. After I get these all situated and worked into my schedule for a couple weeks, I will add in some weight training along with walking a mile on the yoga days.

PS-I recommend yoga for EVERY parent out there.

We enrolled Jonathan in a baby swim class that is 30 mins long on Wed night. I was so excited!!

Well, it didn't go so well. First of all, we had a busy day this last Wednesday and all the running around might have made him a little cranky. Chris got him changed into his rubber pants and swim trunks while putting an easy on off outfit over top. While I was getting ready, he kept Jonathan occupied with some goldfish and bouncing. As I hurried around and put on my shoes I heard "Uh Oh".

Chris looked at me, his eyes large, and said that his leg just got really really warm. Of course Jonathan had peed all over his leg, so we had to change his outfit again and get him in the car so Chris could get his pants off and we could get to our class.

Rushing the whole time to get checked in, changed and find our class, I was stressed out by the time we joined the other parents. I think my energy might have fed Jonathan because he started crying after about 2 mins in the water.

My heart broke as I watched my son cry and try to hold onto my bare skin. If he was in pain or if there was something actually wrong I would have gotten out of the pool immediately, but he was just not comfortable in his environment which is not in itself a reason to retreat.

So I tried to turn a mommy fail into a mommy score. I walked around the pool with him and didn't force him to do things that I knew he wouldn't even attempt. Instead we did things like ring around the rosie and wanting to capture the bath animals in the pool.

After about 15 mins, he stopped crying and started just taking everything in. It helped that there was a young lady lifeguard that he was flirting with. He was still attached to me almost like another appendage, but I wanted to pump my fist in the air at the progress that signaled.

By the end of class he was smiling at the teacher and the lifeguard assigned to our class (they do that for child's swim classes-assign a lifeguard to just that class in addition to the pool lifeguards), so I am really hoping that our class this next week might be better.

XXXX (crossing my fingers and toes)

Is that fat lady in that picture really me?

After the episode in the hospital recently, I was told that I needed to loose weight. Like I haven't heard that from just about everyone I have ever met in my life. It didn't really resonate until I saw pictures of myself at Jonathan's birthday.

I was mortified.

I wondered how I had let it become that bad. I wondered why my husband is even still with me. I now wonder if that is why some things have been deemed not that important. I wondered how I have become so blind.

You lie to yourself and say "I'm not really that big". When you see other fat people you think that you aren't and could never be their size. Then you see something that brings the real world into focus.
I am sure I am not the only fat person to rationalize the lbs that I put on or the weight I see on the scale. There is always a reason for any extra, and/or a plan to loose weight. You are big boned....the people in your family are heavy.....you are bloated.....you had a baby....I know I have. And it was of course never my fault.

When you are fat and you go to the Dr, it seems that they spend almost as much time talking to you about losing weight as they do the reason that you are actually there. All you ever hear is that if you just lost some weight, you wouldn't have this issue, or that issue. Because you are fat you are at a higher risk for practically EVERY disease out there. Unfortunately the manner in which most Drs do this makes you feel the opposite of what I am sure they intended.

Fat people are treated differently. We are often thought of as lazy, disgusting people with no self control. We are looked over when we are out with others, as if we aren't worthy of peoples time. We always take the back seat to our thinner friends.

Have I sometimes resented them just a little for that? I am ashamed to admit that yes I have.

When I was younger, ever boy I had a crush on seemed to fall for one of my friends while I stood by on the sidelines. Maybe part of that was also my lack of self confidence. I found some of that in my early 20s, but I feel as if I am losing it again.

I am through making excuses and plan to get back some of that which has made me who I am at my core. I need to get back the fight, the fire and the me that I lost. I miss that me part.....

1st Bday and 12 month update - about a month late:(

I cannot believe that I forgot to post about Jonathan's first birthday and his 12 mos accomplishments!! I am such a BAD MOMMY!!!

First of all, the info is as of his Bday.
Teeth-8

Not yet walking on his own, but walking around the coffee table and down the length of the couch.

Doing the frog crawl all over the house

Just learned to clap

Words-Mama, Dada, Baba
Height-29 inches
Weight-18lbs., 11oz.
Finger food-Carrots, Peas, cheerios, goldfish, oreo crisps, animal crackers, graham crackers, puffies, pancakes
Sticks everything in his mouth and smells everything

As for his party, it was a Sesame Street theme.

 We had BBQ chicken, baked beans, macaroni salad, and potato salad. We all had a wonderful time. His guests were:
Grandmas Janice & Cindy
Grandpa Tom, Aunt Sammy, Uncle Tommy
Aunt Dee and cousin Preston
Aunt Christy
Uncle John
Jan & Linda

I am such a nerd, that I made him a onesie;) It isn't all that great though and I promised to try and do better next year.

 

 

Instead of making a cake, we (my mom and I) made strawberry filled chocolate cupcakes with strawberry icing. We iced Jonathan's in chocolate thought of course;)

Candles done with his name

Are all those for me? GIMME!!

DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

He grabbed his cake with both hands, squished it and then just looked at me. I had to put a hand in his mouth to taste, then he went to town and GRUBBED almost the while cake!!

It was so cute-we sang Happy Bday then we helped him to blow out his candles. He had a tiny little 1 candle on his cupcake (forgot to get a darn pic!!) and his name spelled out in other tiny candles on toothpick like sticks. After we blew out the candles we all popped the paper party poppers which he loved!!

Everyone had fun and left happy and full.

The Best Laid Plans

What was supposed to be a fun family moment, turned into the good old "keep the baby happy" trip....

Last year, shortly after bringing Jonathan home from the hospital, my mom and I took him to a pumpkin patch & cider mill not far from where we lived. He pretty much just napped in the stroller, but we popped him out now and then to take some pictures. We all had a great time!

The cutest pumpkin in the patch

Well, since Chris missed out last year, he was looking forward to going this year. Chris had to work part of the day and the pumpkin patch is not easy to get to-ie. no freeways - just surface streets, so after driving for almost 45 minutes (since it was rush hour) we arrived at the patch. The first sign that should've alerted us as to the tone of this trip was that we forgot the stroller.

Chris carried Jonathan for the first part and we looked in the little market before heading out to the barn. That was where the kids area, goats & chickens, and pumpkins were located along with the pickup spot for the hayrides. I remembered the ground just being grass, so we didn't bother to put any shoes on Jonathan.

Mommy was WRONG once again:( A large portion of the ground was covered in straw, especially in the barn.

Part of the point of the trip was to replicate the same pictures we took last year. I thought that would be a cute idea. Well, in theory I guess it was. In reality, we went to take the first picture, set his feet down on a straw bale behind the pumpkin and all heck broke loose in the form of tears and howling.

So we got one good picture.

All the rest are in the following tear ridden category, and he certainly wouldn't allow us to set him down to get anymore pictures.

I guess we will just look forward to next year and hope he enjoys it better. I am sure that in a few years we will look back on the pictures we took and laugh about the day. We also learned an important lesson. ALWAYS put shoes of some sort on him when we leave the house or at the very least bring them with us.

The Baby Mullet

I am a bad mom. I refuse to get my baby's hair cut since it is just a little long in the back, and now he has the dreaded baby mullet. Am I the only mom in history who will not admit that their little bundle of joy is now a drooling, crawling, sometimes downright ornery little person?

My husband and I have argued, and I did get the scissors out and trim a smidge around his ears. I however refuse to take him for a big boy haircut yet.

Sorry, I don't have a pic of the back.

See, it isn't that long yet.

Maybe if his hair was thicker, but it is so fine that I feel like he is already half bald! Couple that with the fact that he has 2 cowlicks on the crown of his head, and one in the front and the poor kid doesn't have a chance. 

My son could have been Momless....the Pulmonary Emobolism

When you are the type of person who shrugs off the majority of aches and pains as every day life, a truly horrible sickness doesn't even seem to penetrate the layers of your mind for what it is.

That happened to me. I have pretty much written off aches and pains, issues with my C-section scar and other physical issues into the categories "Not that Bad" or "Getting Older". So when I got a leg cramp in my calf that lasted several days, I just thought I pulled a muscle and then it went away. About 2 weeks later it came back and I figured I just pulled another muscle. It was my right calf muscle and the pain was reminiscent of the pain right before I have gotten a charlie horse in the past. That was on a Wednesday.

The next evening my husband, trying to be helpful, suggested keeping it elevated and putting it on a heating pad. I tried that and it seemed to help (even if I did get overly hot and I breathed a little heavy), so I took the pad to bed with me too. On Friday every chance I got, I had my leg up on the heating pad. I was doing laundry so I did have to go up and down the stairs and I thought at the time that I was starting to get a little out of breath, almost as if I had ran up 4 flights instead of 1, and I blamed it on the fact that I was a fat smoker.

On Saturday I got worse as the day progressed. My leg felt better, but my breathing was bad. Walking from one end of our hall to the other (about 30ft.) it was like I had just speed walked for 3 blocks. By the end of the night, I was so out of breath from picking up Jonathan's toys (the repetitive bending over), that I couldn't do more that say yes or no as I was talking to my mom since I didn't want to freak her out. I put Jonathan in the bathtub right before picking up his toys, so I was still recovering form that when I had to again bend over to get his bath toys out of the tub, then bend back over to open the plug and get him out. I then walked out of the bathroom and 10 feet to the changing table in his room and I had to rest there with my head on the edge. I was sweating and had barely enough energy to stay upright. Jonathan rubbed my head while I regained enough strength to dry him and put on both a onesie and a diaper. I almost dropped him trying to carry him 10 feet. That was the moment I started to get worried that something was wrong with me. When I went to bed, I just prayed that I would wake up.

Chris had to work Saturday night, so I tried to keep myself busy and hope that my breathing would get better so that he could get a little sleep. I knew that I was probably going to the hospital and since the last time I was in (having Jonathan) I didn't get a shower for 4 days, I made sure I took one and shaved before Jonathan got up. I got his breakfast ready and got him up. I barely made it the 3 steps from his crib to the changing table, and then across the hall to our room. I started crying and woke Chris up. He fed Jonathan and called his mom to come take care of the baby while I tried to calm down as the crying was making it nearly impossible to breathe.

We went to the emergency room and after some blood work, and EKG, chest xrays and a CT scan, the discovered several blood clots in my lungs. I had Pulmonary Emboli, which is multiple Pulmonary Embolisms . They told us that the # was so extensive (they had been traveling to my lungs since Wed most likely) that if we had waited until that evening that we would have more than likely had to call 911 and it would have been iffy if I would have made it.

I was told that I would go to the ICU and that I would have a reg Dr, a Pulmonary Specialist, a Vascular Dr., and a Cardiologist because the fact that I was having difficulty breathing was putting a lot of added strain on my heart. My experience in the ICU was HORRIBLE!!! It was depressing since most of the people that were there were intubated or comatose. First off I was bedridden because they wanted to keep the remaining clots in my leg where they were so they would travel to my heart, brain or lungs. So, I had the choice of a catheter or a bed pan-that is like giving me the choice of dog poop or human poop for dinner-I mean really.....

Then they decided that one IV line wasn't enough so I needed another one. They then proceeded to spend 30 minutes trying to find a vein by the process of sticking a needle into my hand/arm/elbow and then moving the needle around like they were digging for gold. I cried the entire time. They finally had to use an ultrasound machine to fine my vein. Apparently I have bad veins because the blood draw people that came every 4 hrs had to poke me at least 3 times, then jab around for that elusive gold under my skin as well. I was bruised all over and now for the first time that I can remember I was scared of needles. I then got to have to pleasure of adding bruises on my stomach by getting 2 shots a day of a super blood thinner.

I was told by the ER Dr., quit smoking or die. I was told by the Pulmonary Dr., quit taking birth control or die. I was told by the Cardiologist, loose weight or die. The funny thing is, those are direct quotes, not just my summarizing what they said.

Right before I got out of the ICU I got what was called a PICC line and it made my day!!! It is kinda like a central line that is about as big around as spaghetti, and it goes into the bicep area. The line is about 16" and stops just an inch or so away from the heart. They use these valves for drawing blood and for any IV's.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Needs to be rotated 90* clockwise. This is what my PICC line looked like.

The lady that did my line told me that A-the nurses should have used a baby IV with the smaller needle instead of poking me all over, and B-they are all trained to give a shot that is a local which would have made all of the poking MUCH less painful. She is the only one that does these at the 3 Promedica Hospitals here and she trained all of the nurses. Needless to say I wanted to smack some people.

I was moved on Monday, and allowed to use the bathroom and then on Tuesday I was allowed to shower!! I was in there until Wed, but after the first day or so, it wasn't very eventful. Just a lot of blood tests to determine if my blood was thin enough, 2 shots a day in the stomach, another EKG, a leg dopplar and that's about it. It was Monday that it hit me-I COULD'VE FREAKIN DIED!!! Once this hit me like a ton of bricks, I cried. A lot. I almost left my little boy without a mom. I have not taken any birth control since, have not had any cigarettes, and have started a diet and activity (only walking until my lungs are better) program with my Dr.

My Pulmonary Dr said my CT scan was "impressive" and by that he meant it was impressive I was still breathing at all. I had the most clots he'd seen in my lungs, and when he showed them to us, one looked like that blow up man that kinda looks like Gumbi that car dealerships tend to have. I now have to go to him for some studies since I had no triggers for the clots and it is a mystery. Yes I was a smoker using birth control pills, but I was younger than 35 and I hadn't been on any long trips or had a bent leg for an extended period of time-so no trigger.

There was argument with my treatment. The Vascular Dr wanted to give me a drug that would break up the clots in my lungs right away. The only problem was that if I had any clots in my brain or heart that weren't big enough to cause any issues, they would also explode and could cause issues. It could also create a brain bleed depending on where the clots were in my brain if indeed there were any. The problem with allowing my body to attack them in the natural progression of things, is that now for the rest of my life, because some of them were quite large, I will have the equivalent of scar tissue in each lung.

I am now on a blood thinner that was originally created as rat poison as it makes them bleed to death, and will be on something for the rest of my life. I will have to wait and see what they put me on to know if we can ever have a sibling for Jonathan. I will always be high risk for blood clots. I will always have bad lungs now. But, I am alive and I can live life with my son and husband.

I have learned to not take something so trivial as breathing for granted and find myself taking deep breaths occasionally just because I can. One of my favorite scents is the smell of the leaves falling in the autumn and I can't wait to relish that soon.