Is that fat lady in that picture really me?

After the episode in the hospital recently, I was told that I needed to loose weight. Like I haven't heard that from just about everyone I have ever met in my life. It didn't really resonate until I saw pictures of myself at Jonathan's birthday.

I was mortified.

I wondered how I had let it become that bad. I wondered why my husband is even still with me. I now wonder if that is why some things have been deemed not that important. I wondered how I have become so blind.

You lie to yourself and say "I'm not really that big". When you see other fat people you think that you aren't and could never be their size. Then you see something that brings the real world into focus.
I am sure I am not the only fat person to rationalize the lbs that I put on or the weight I see on the scale. There is always a reason for any extra, and/or a plan to loose weight. You are big boned....the people in your family are heavy.....you are bloated.....you had a baby....I know I have. And it was of course never my fault.

When you are fat and you go to the Dr, it seems that they spend almost as much time talking to you about losing weight as they do the reason that you are actually there. All you ever hear is that if you just lost some weight, you wouldn't have this issue, or that issue. Because you are fat you are at a higher risk for practically EVERY disease out there. Unfortunately the manner in which most Drs do this makes you feel the opposite of what I am sure they intended.

Fat people are treated differently. We are often thought of as lazy, disgusting people with no self control. We are looked over when we are out with others, as if we aren't worthy of peoples time. We always take the back seat to our thinner friends.

Have I sometimes resented them just a little for that? I am ashamed to admit that yes I have.

When I was younger, ever boy I had a crush on seemed to fall for one of my friends while I stood by on the sidelines. Maybe part of that was also my lack of self confidence. I found some of that in my early 20s, but I feel as if I am losing it again.

I am through making excuses and plan to get back some of that which has made me who I am at my core. I need to get back the fight, the fire and the me that I lost. I miss that me part.....